Back in the “good old” 13^th century, there was no hiding from Christianity. There was no division of life, as we have had it in the New World for the past two centuries, into secular and religious spheres. In the 13^th century, religion permeated all levels of life – and it was just one religion. There were no choices to be made, no possibility of chosing another religion, or no religion at all. According to J.A. Watt, the pope’s prerogative was unlimited – he was the judge over all Christians (iudex ordinaries omnium). (see A. Watt, The Theory of Papal Monarchy in the Thirteenth Century: The Contribution of the Canonists (London, 1965), pp. 92-105.)

Even kings bowed to the pope. Even, if today’s religious conservatives had their way – the president. The extent to which Catholic bishops still feel they have the power to determine policy in the United States was made evident recently by their attempts to co-opt healthcare reform in matters relating to women’s reproductive rights. The Protestants are no better. Their own fantasy is a Protestant theocracy instead of a Catholic theocracy. Rhetoric on both sides is reminiscent of the Reformation and Counter Reformation.

It is quite possible that conservative elements on both sides hate each other more than they hate secularists, atheists, feminists and Pagans. None of that, however, will protect those segments of society from whoever gets their wish. From our perspective, there is no essential difference between the two – nor indeed, between Christian theocracy and Islamic theocracy. Taliban or Talibangelical, the consequences are the same.

Robert Stacey (Robert C. Stacey,  “The Conversion of Jews to Christianity in Thirteenth-Century England,” Speculum 67 (1992), 263-283)  writes that,

Throughout the Middle Ages the expectation of eventual Jewish conversion lay at the center of traditional Christian justifications for protecting the Jewish populations which lived within their midst. St. Augustine and later Pope Gregory the Great enunciated a rationale for Christian protection of Jews, based loosely on Romans 11.25-29, that stressed the historical importance of the Jews as living witnesses to the Old Testament prophecies that confirmed Jesus’ messiahship and that foresaw the Jews’ eventual conversion to Christianity as a harbinger of the end of days.

He might as well be discussing early 21^st century America.  And today’s conservative Christians are not averse to helping things along through projects like “Jews for Jesus” – a group of conservative Christians pretending to be Jews who have converted to Christianity. In point of fact, of course, the name is an oxymoron. Jews cannot BE for Jesus and remain Jews.

Moreover, this was an era when Christians could display their religious zeal openly and militantly, in a very in-your-face style but when Jews must hide their own religion, and indeed, not be seen on the streets at certain Christian festivals (Stacey, 265). This seems to be the world America’s conservative Christians yearn for, when they can have their open displays of religiosity but no one else can, when “Marry Christmas” is appropriate and even a happily and sincerely “Happy Holidays” is an attack on Christmas. The message is clear: “We can have our religion; you cannot. Even uttering a hint of yours is an attack on ours.”

“[A]fter 1280,” Stacey writes,  “Jews throughout England were compelled to attend weekly conversion sermons, preached by the Dominicans.” Surprisingly, 21^st century America is no stranger to this sort of thing, as witnessed by the activities of a sheriff in Wisconsin. Here, Sheriff David A. Clarke Jr. ran afoul of the law by inviting the Fellowship of the Christian Centurions, a group that seeks to evangelize law-enforcement officers in its religious doctrines, to give proselytizing talks at meetings that deputy sheriffs were required to attend. (Americans United, December 4, 2009, http://www.au.org/media/press-releases/archives/2009/12/federal-appeals-court-blows.html )

“During one meeting in Spring of 2006,” Americans United tells us, “Clarke announced that he would soon make promotions to the rank of captain and distributed a flyer stating that leaders often look for “people of faith” in their inner circles.”

As in the 13^th century, a person in this country can often not aspire to rise above his starting point without the proper religious credentials – and the proper religion.

We are, it would seem, much closer to the 13^th century in many ways than to the 21^st.

For that reason, I thought it might be helpful to give everyone a brief refresher course. We are all going back to the 13th century with our Fundamentalist Christian friends and it’s important to remember a few things so as to avoid getting into trouble. Because getting into trouble in the 13th century is NOT a good thing. In honor of 13 centuries, I will list the TOP 13 Problem Areas for those returning to the 13th century. Please adhere to these guidelines.

TOP 13 Problem Areas When Returning to the 13th Century
Brought to you by Hrafnkell. Inspired by George Carlin.

Warning: These conditions already prevail in certain parts of the country, anywhere that base Republicanism is rampant. Travel south of the Mason-Dixon Line (or to Alaska) to be undertaken only with great caution.

1. Same-sex affection is RIGHT out. Don’t even think about it. I mean, this is bad, bad, bad. It’s so bad that it’s almost impossible to talk about. Homosexuals are just plain sub-human (hmmm…where have I heard that before?). They are said to molest children and they bring harm to any nation which tolerates them (that IS familiar, isn’t it?). You can be killed for being a homosexual. Thomas Aquinas, surely an inspiration for Rick Warren, says homosexuality is one of the very worst sins you can commit. Only murder is worse.
2. Don’t be a Jew. Being a Jew is RIGHT out. Sleeping with a Jew is as bad as sleeping with an animal! (Boy, Rick Warren DID live a prior life in the 13th century, didn’t he?). If you DO make the mistake of being a Jew, be sure not to question Christianity because this will mean instant death.
3. Don’t be a Muslim (boy, this sounds familiar!) because being a Muslim is RIGHT out! Muslims get crusades declared against them on a regular basis. They are also subject to Reconquistas and have an increased chance of being enslaved.
4. Don’t be a witch (wow, another one close to home!) because being a witch is RIGHT out! Witches have are high risk for drownings and dying in fires.
5. Don’t be an attractive woman. Attractive women tend to be accused of witchcraft! You don’t want that kind of trouble.
6. Don’t be an ugly woman. Ugly women tend to be accused of witchcraft! You don’t want that kind of trouble either.
7. Oh, what the hell. Just don’t be a woman. Period. While marginally better off than the categories above, women can’t get an education, and of course, we’ve already seen what happens if you’re attractive or ugly!
8. DO NOT MASTURBATE! I mean it! This is very bad. Thomas Aquinas makes the case of the sanctity of sperm (and he’s a saint so he oughta know!): “Hence it is clear that every emission of the semen is contrary to the good of man, which takes place in a way whereby generation is impossible; and if this is done on purpose, it must be a sin” (Summa Contra Gentiles). Of course!
9. NO SODOMY! NONE! I cannot state this strongly enough. We’re skipping ahead a bit here but murder actually gets upstaged by butt-love. Yes! “No sin in the world grips the soul as the accursed sodomy; this sin has always been detested by all those who live according to God .… Deviant passion is close to madness; this vice disturbs the intellect, destroys elevation and generosity of soul, brings the mind down from great thoughts to the lowliest, makes the person slothful, irascible, obstinate and obdurate, servile and soft and incapable of anything; furthermore, agitated by an insatiable craving for pleasure, the person follows not reason but frenzy .… They become blind and, when their thoughts should soar to high and great things, they are broken down and reduced to vile and useless and putrid things, which could never make them happy …. Just as people participate in the glory of God in different degrees, so also in hell some suffer more than others. He who lived with this vice of sodomy suffers more than another, for this is the greatest sin.” [St. Bernardine of Siena 1380-1444, Sermon XXXIX] I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Bernie knew a bit more about butt-love than is right for a saint. (NOTE: Apparently, sodomy turns you into a Republican!)
10. Don’t be a Pagan. Like Muslims, Pagans tend to get crusades declared against them. They get tortured and have an increased risk of having molten metal poured down their throats. Christians like to kill Pagans in order to gain remission of sins. An Austrian poet paints a pretty picture: “Women and children were taken captive; What a jolly medley could be seen: Many a woman could be seen, Two children tied to her body, One behind and one in front; On a horse without spurs Barefoot had they ridden here; The heathens were made to suffer: Many were captured and in every case, Were their hands tied together They were led off, all tied up — Just like hunting dogs” (Sainty, Guy Stair. The Teutonic Order of Holy Mary in Jerusalem).
11. Be the RIGHT KIND OF CHRISTIAN! Do NOT be a heretic! This is VERY bad. If you are a heretic, the Pope will launch a crusade against you and things will get very dicey. You must be able to distinguish between “right” belief (orthodoxy) and actually thinking for yourself (which is a “heresy” – in other words, making a choice). If you DO escape an actual crusade, you’re sure to be caught by the Inquisition, who’s job it is to defend orthodoxy.
12. Demons and Satan are everywhere. WATCH OUT! You don’t want to be caught out by these fellows because guess what? The Inquisition will want to have a long chat with you.
13. Do NOT be black! Again, we’re jumping ahead a little here but blacks are natural slaves. Just ask the pope! And of course, in the 15th century, not much later, began the African slave trade, in 1441 to be precise, when two Portuguese captains, Antão Gonçalves and Nuno Tristão, captured a dozen unfortunate Mauretanians and returned home with the new slaves. Black slavery caught on quickly. On August 8, 1444, six caravels sent to capture “black Moors” unloaded 235 slaves at Portuguese-controlled Lagos. Castile and Genoa were also early participants in this lucrative enterprise. It cannot be argued that this was simply a bit of secular economics. On18 June 1452 Pope Nicholas V issues a Papal bull, the infamous Dum Diversas, which authorized the Portuguese to reduce “Saracens [Muslims] and pagans and any other unbelievers.” Obviously, being a black Muslim (or a black Pagan…or, er, a black woman Pagan or black woman Muslim) is RIGHT OUT!

I hope this guide has been helpful. I suggest polishing up because at the rate we’re going, we’ll be back in the 13th century in no time!

(Note: Back in February I posted my “Nifty Guide to the 13th Century. I am re-posting it now because of the activities of the Religious Right in this country.)